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Tips for managing EUPD symptoms in relationships

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Someone suffering from emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), also known as borderline personality disorder (BPD), is likely to have a difficult time regulating their emotions and behaviour. This can then disrupt relationships or make it harder to cope in an EUPD relationship.

For people in a relationship with someone with EUPD, or for anyone beginning such a relationship, we spoke with Dr Oluwagbenga Odeyemi from Priory Hospital Woodbourne about how you can help support your partner and manage EUPD symptoms within your relationship.

Recognising and managing EUPD symptoms 

Most EUPD behaviour isn’t deliberate. While it can be difficult not to take the words and actions of a loved one personally, this can lead to higher levels of stress. Learning how to manage EUPD in a relationship and how to cope with EUPD is important, and there are some key behaviours to look out. 

EUPD behaviours that you're likely to see include:

  • Mood swings
  • Angry outbursts
  • Abandonment fears
  • Impulsive and irrational behaviours

Dr Oluwagbenga Odeyemi says: “Having an understanding of what triggers these reactions in your loved one is an important part of maintaining your relationship. People with EUPD traits often feel isolated and alone when a trigger event occurs, usually leading to a reliving of past traumas. Understanding this can improve your empathy and ability to provide support.”

Getting the right support for you

EUPD in relationships can be challenging, but it's also important to take care of yourself when you're supporting someone with EUPD in order to avoid burning out or becoming too stressed.

  • Spend time with family and friends – avoid isolation and instead, spend time with people who listen to you and make you feel cared for
  • Engage in hobbies – it isn’t selfish for you to take some time to relax and have some fun. This ability to take care of yourself and de-stress can actually improve your relationship
  • Join support groups – talk to people who are in similar situations and understand what you're going through
  • Look after yourself– eating well, exercising and getting good quality sleep can help you to manage stress and improve your emotional wellbeing

The phrase ’charity begins at home’ is true here - looking after yourself will empower you to help your loved one.

How to communicate with someone with EUPD

Talking to someone with EUPD can be testing at times, as their disorder can distort the messages they hear and those they try to express.

Here are strategies to help you communicate more effectively with your loved one:

  • Recognise the right time to start a conversation. If the person is being reactive, calmly postpone the discussion
  • When you find the right time to talk, actively listen with no distractions. Try not to interrupt or redirect the conversation. Instead, show that you're listening by nodding and using small verbal comments. You don’t have to agree with what they're saying – just make it clear you're listening and acknowledging what they're saying
  • Listen to the emotions your loved one is trying to communicate, rather than focusing on the words they're using
  • Make your loved one feel heard – this isn’t a time to win an argument or prove them wrong, but it's a time to show them the help and support they need
  • Try to remain calm even if your loved one starts to become reactive. If this happens, walk away to alleviate any stress and give them an opportunity to cool down
  • Distract your loved one’s attention when emotions run high. Try something that's soothing, such as exercising, painting or even doing chores
  • Talk about things other than EUPD to give you both the opportunity to explore and communicate new interests and lighter subjects

Dr Oluwagbenga Odeyemi explains: “Like any relationship, two-way communication is important, but indeed, sometimes a listening ear rather than an argument is more useful and uplifting for a loved one with EUPD.”

How to set boundaries with EUPD

Setting boundaries can be an effective way of helping someone with EUPD to manage their behaviour.

It's important to remember that there's no magic cure. Although there are treatments available to manage personality disorders, there are times that can still be challenging.

A person with EUPD is likely to react the first time boundaries are put in place. So make sure that you're both calm when talking about boundaries for the first time. At this time, do the following:

  • Outline the behaviour that you will and will not accept. Try to reassure the person with EUPD during your conversation
  • Setting boundaries should be a process. Introduce them slowly over time rather than setting all limits in place on day one
  • It's likely that your loved one will test the boundaries. Make sure you enforce the predetermined consequences, otherwise the boundaries will seem meaningless

Dr Oluwagbenga Odeyemi believes that “healthy boundaries help to safeguard you and your loved one. Be prepared to be tested (usually not intentionally) as emotional regulation is not straightforward, but with practice and reinforcement, the desired goal can be achieved.”

Supporting someone with EUPD

EUPD treatment can be psychological (talking therapies) or can involve medication. Priory has hospitals and wellbeing centres that specialise in EUPD treatment around the UK.

Our programmes are led by consultant psychiatrists, psychologists, occupational therapists and mental health nurses, who aim to enable people to lead more positive lifestyles, while reducing the level of risk to themselves and others.

This page was reviewed by Dr Oluwagbenga Odeyemi (MBBS, DoLS, CCT, MPH, MRCPsych), Consultant Psychiatrist at Priory Hospital Woodbourne

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