"Recovery is not easy but it’s not impossible either. Life knocks you down sometimes, but you will get up again, and that‘s all you can do. Believe me, I’ve hit what felt like rock bottom, I know it’s hard, but the darkness will fade. The light will come back to you again. The spark that you feel like you’re missing, will shine even brighter again one day.".
When I first came to Newcombe Lodge I was a wreck to put it bluntly. I had come from a hospital where I had been for six months on three-to-one care. I remember coming for my first overnight stay and skipping up the drive – I was so happy to come to Newcombe Lodge because it seemed so different to what I was used to. I don’t want to go into too much detail but the place I was at previously, was disgraceful and I realised very quickly that all that happened in my life before Newcombe, was just wrong.
I had never been in a place where people were given the basic fundamentals to grow and heal, but Newcombe Lodge gave me that and more.
Prior to coming to Newcombe Lodge I had been diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I had been in and out of all different types of placements from the age of 11, including foster care, secure hospitals, children’s homes, and unregulated housing where people could come and go as they please.
Before all of this, I lived in a place with my ‘family’. I’d speak out about a lot of bad things that were going on at the young age of 11 and I fought to go to a safer place and be away from the people who were not safe to be around but the system let me down.
I eventually got listened to but my mental health was already a detriment due to my early life experiences. My life felt like a rollercoaster. I was just a child and I was going through so many mixed emotions, as well as trying to cope with grief from my ’dad’ passing.
When I first came to Newcombe Lodge, I was having bad days as well as good days. This lasted quite a few months and at this time I was needing a lot of support (four times observations an hour). I was on a lot of medications and it felt like I was just existing at this point. Things felt ugly in my head and most days just felt like a blur. Staff at Newcombe now say that it was like I was in the room physically, but I wasn’t present mentally.
Soon after this, I ended up in hospital again due to my mental health struggles but the staff at Newcombe Lodge stayed by my side, day and night. I ended up being admitted to a psychiatric intensive care unit and I was there for three months but I was visited by Newcombe staff twice a week. I felt like I’d hit rock bottom and it felt like nothing in my head was going to get better, but they stuck by me.
The nurses and doctors at the unit, adjusted my medication and I started therapy again there. I learnt about your brain’s sense of danger and about fight or flight. It explained a lot to me about my sense of fear.
Overtime, things got that little bit better for me and I started to notice a difference in my mood, thoughts and sense of hope. One saying that sticks with me to this day is: “when your heart is beating there is still hope, so stay, the world needs you here.”
After the three months, I came back to Newcombe Lodge, which I considered home now. They helped me get back into education and they helped me stick with therapy. I started to feel safe for the first time in my 15 years of life.
I then started volunteering at a stables and farm – I love animals. They prove to me that sometimes actions speak louder than words and although I’ve never shared a conversation with them, they still want to be loved. The stables and farm became like an escape to me.
My days at Newcombe now consist of sharing laughs and conversations with the people who feel like family to me.
My goal is to go to college with the aim of becoming a veterinary nurse. I can see a future for myself now, when before, I never thought it could be like this.
Recovery is not easy but it’s not impossible either. Life knocks you down sometimes, but you will get up again, and that‘s all you can do. Believe me, I’ve hit what felt like rock bottom, I know it’s hard, but the darkness will fade. The light will come back to you again. The spark that you feel like you’re missing, will shine even brighter again one day.
Newcombe Lodge stayed by my side and reassured me that things will get better, and they have.
*Name changed to protect identity